Outside my shop today, while their kids were smearing Greg's pasty fingerprints all over the shop windows...The Chavvy parents were standing infront of my beautiful, handmade, exquisite Christmas Wreaths for sale and were...bitchin...
She (wearing pjama bottoms, with a track suit top), said: "Orrr, these are gorgeous, lookerem, thems gorge...How much are they?"
He: "Fooking Hell, they are £7.99 each!!!!
I'm not paying that, what a rip off!!!!....
I'll get em from the Town, they are only two for twenty quid there!"
Monday, 19 December 2011
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Monday, 21 November 2011
Window licking good...
So this Monday morning, the dress code for the Village appears to be, slippers, pjama bottoms, football shirts, orange tan and an entire collection of Elizabeth Duke jewellery...
It must be finally getting colder, as today, there were no mid riffs showing and the peasants were cramming themselves into the phonebox to scratch off their instant win cards and wait for the local drug dealer. They did, of course, leave their screaming kids outside strapped to various pushchairs in the biting wind, while they filled the phonebox with the smell of Benny Hedgehogs, chip fat and wet dog...
Latinus Twatius - was in a hurry today, so he just stood in the doorway and waved his bits of paper, shouting "PERAMBULATORY!" at me...then telling me that the clue was in the Daily Mail crossword...When I pointed out that I was too busy to read the bloody paper, he just shrugged and left the slips of paper on the counter, with a threat to come back the next day and test me.
This morning, Magic Padlock Man, is actually wearing a tea cosy on his head, on top of the grubby hat he normally wears!. Looks like there is a possibility it could be one he has stolen from the charity shop next door. A charming little number with little flowers and huge amount mangey unwashed curls of hair sticking out of the hole at the back. He looks quite fetching and has only been in three times so far, twice to bring me a handful of rolled up fags and to ask if he can have the pound back that he donated to the Butterwick box last Friday.
It must be finally getting colder, as today, there were no mid riffs showing and the peasants were cramming themselves into the phonebox to scratch off their instant win cards and wait for the local drug dealer. They did, of course, leave their screaming kids outside strapped to various pushchairs in the biting wind, while they filled the phonebox with the smell of Benny Hedgehogs, chip fat and wet dog...
Latinus Twatius - was in a hurry today, so he just stood in the doorway and waved his bits of paper, shouting "PERAMBULATORY!" at me...then telling me that the clue was in the Daily Mail crossword...When I pointed out that I was too busy to read the bloody paper, he just shrugged and left the slips of paper on the counter, with a threat to come back the next day and test me.
This morning, Magic Padlock Man, is actually wearing a tea cosy on his head, on top of the grubby hat he normally wears!. Looks like there is a possibility it could be one he has stolen from the charity shop next door. A charming little number with little flowers and huge amount mangey unwashed curls of hair sticking out of the hole at the back. He looks quite fetching and has only been in three times so far, twice to bring me a handful of rolled up fags and to ask if he can have the pound back that he donated to the Butterwick box last Friday.
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
The Great Escape...
So, I've been back from my jollies for a couple of weeks now and in the last few days, I have detected an unusual odour coming from a cardboard box behind the counter.
Today, I finally grabbed a moment to open the box for further investigation...
It seems that while I was away, it was business as usual with the Melange of Nut Jobs bringing in love tokens, latin classes and batteries.
The smell, turned out to be one of Magic Padlock man's famous cloths, in which he had lovingly wrapped half an old necklace, some loose tobacco, a half eaten pasty and then possibly dipped it rancid milk, before putting it in a carrier bag and bringing it the shop for me. Scared to open it, the staff put it in the box and closed the lid.
- Latinus Twatius, was deeply troubled that I had fled the country and initially said that he would delay my Latin instruction till I got back. However, in a twitchy 'Cat on the Hot Tin Roof' - obsessive kind of way, he couldnt stay away from the shop and insisted on testing all the shop staff on their verbs, while I was gone.
He left reams and reams of paper with carefully written latin on, and the translations on the back. The staff were instructed to tell me that I was to study them and he would test me, the week I got back - Oh Feckin Joy!!!!
- In the bottom of the box, Batteries Woman had left 11 brand new batteries, which, as usual, she had stuck a label on, which stated the date she bought them and the hair colour of the person who sold them to her...
She had written 7/10/11 - Bald
Dad must have been working that day!
There was also a stray bag of Wild Bird Sunflower Hearts, which Snotty Pram Woman, had brought back for a refund. She complained that they tasted differently to the ones she bought the week before. The staff had pointed out that they are not for human consumption, thats why they are clearly labelled as such...she still wanted a refund...
Magic Padlock Man had obviously been robbing from the Methodist church down the road again, as there were three hymn books, an empty plastic cup and bits of broken ginger snap biscuits...Must have been a great coffee morning.
A note from the staff was stuck to the top of the box, stating that Helicopter Man wished to see me about fitting a communications mast near the tower at the local airport. Pretty interesting, considering we are a gardening shop!!!! No doubt, I'll hear all about that when Captain Cock comes through the door later this week.
The only thing right at the bottom, was a piece of paper, with my dads hand writingon it. Apparently he has been accused of lying to a customer, who didnt believe him, when he told him that the hoover bags for his hoover were not longer available. The customer had continued to argue for 20 mins after my dad had told him that that hoover model was made obselete in 1982.
My dad had written the manufacturers number on the piece of paper and obviously called them for the customer to confirm that it was true. They had confirmed that and the customer had continued to rant...
...under the telephone number, my dad has written OBSELETE 1982
at the bottom of the page he wrote - PRAT!
Today, I finally grabbed a moment to open the box for further investigation...
It seems that while I was away, it was business as usual with the Melange of Nut Jobs bringing in love tokens, latin classes and batteries.
The smell, turned out to be one of Magic Padlock man's famous cloths, in which he had lovingly wrapped half an old necklace, some loose tobacco, a half eaten pasty and then possibly dipped it rancid milk, before putting it in a carrier bag and bringing it the shop for me. Scared to open it, the staff put it in the box and closed the lid.
- Latinus Twatius, was deeply troubled that I had fled the country and initially said that he would delay my Latin instruction till I got back. However, in a twitchy 'Cat on the Hot Tin Roof' - obsessive kind of way, he couldnt stay away from the shop and insisted on testing all the shop staff on their verbs, while I was gone.
He left reams and reams of paper with carefully written latin on, and the translations on the back. The staff were instructed to tell me that I was to study them and he would test me, the week I got back - Oh Feckin Joy!!!!
- In the bottom of the box, Batteries Woman had left 11 brand new batteries, which, as usual, she had stuck a label on, which stated the date she bought them and the hair colour of the person who sold them to her...
She had written 7/10/11 - Bald
Dad must have been working that day!
There was also a stray bag of Wild Bird Sunflower Hearts, which Snotty Pram Woman, had brought back for a refund. She complained that they tasted differently to the ones she bought the week before. The staff had pointed out that they are not for human consumption, thats why they are clearly labelled as such...she still wanted a refund...
Magic Padlock Man had obviously been robbing from the Methodist church down the road again, as there were three hymn books, an empty plastic cup and bits of broken ginger snap biscuits...Must have been a great coffee morning.
A note from the staff was stuck to the top of the box, stating that Helicopter Man wished to see me about fitting a communications mast near the tower at the local airport. Pretty interesting, considering we are a gardening shop!!!! No doubt, I'll hear all about that when Captain Cock comes through the door later this week.
The only thing right at the bottom, was a piece of paper, with my dads hand writingon it. Apparently he has been accused of lying to a customer, who didnt believe him, when he told him that the hoover bags for his hoover were not longer available. The customer had continued to argue for 20 mins after my dad had told him that that hoover model was made obselete in 1982. My dad had written the manufacturers number on the piece of paper and obviously called them for the customer to confirm that it was true. They had confirmed that and the customer had continued to rant...
...under the telephone number, my dad has written OBSELETE 1982
at the bottom of the page he wrote - PRAT!
Got the Blues
Customer: Have you got any indigo coloured candles?
Me: No, I'm sorry Madam, the only ones we stock are pale blue in colour.
Customer: Can you show me?
Me: Of course, come this way...
We walk over to the candles area and I show the customer pale blue candles...
Customer: These are NOT indigo!
Me: Yes, I know, I'm afraid we don't have indigo coloured candles, just pale blue...
Customer: These are NOT indigo, did you think these were indigo?
Me: Not, at all, we only stock these pale blue ones.
*Customer screws up her face and with a long dramatic sigh says...
Are you colour blind???? - These are clearly NOT indigo!
Me: (wanting to slap her), Thats right, they are not.
Customer: You said they were indigo...
Me: I think I said they were pale blue...
....tumbleweed moment....
Me: I'm sorry, they are the ONLY candles that we stock in a blue colour.
Customer: Well, these should have a note on them saying - 'light blue NOT indigo'....
**** Yup Madam and YOU should have a note attached to you which says -
"Danger - I'm Fecking Hard Work"
Me: No, I'm sorry Madam, the only ones we stock are pale blue in colour.
Customer: Can you show me?
Me: Of course, come this way...
We walk over to the candles area and I show the customer pale blue candles...
Customer: These are NOT indigo!
Me: Yes, I know, I'm afraid we don't have indigo coloured candles, just pale blue...
Customer: These are NOT indigo, did you think these were indigo?
Me: Not, at all, we only stock these pale blue ones.
*Customer screws up her face and with a long dramatic sigh says...
Are you colour blind???? - These are clearly NOT indigo!
Me: (wanting to slap her), Thats right, they are not.
Customer: You said they were indigo...
Me: I think I said they were pale blue...
....tumbleweed moment....
Me: I'm sorry, they are the ONLY candles that we stock in a blue colour.Customer: Well, these should have a note on them saying - 'light blue NOT indigo'....
**** Yup Madam and YOU should have a note attached to you which says -
"Danger - I'm Fecking Hard Work"
Toilet Water
Local Peasants must have been drinking the water out of the Village Pond again, as it seems to have caused 'Manners Amnesia' this morning...
I smiled and wished my first customer of the day "Good Morning", she promptly ignored me and barked:
"Toilet Water"
Not knowing exactly which product this scowling misery was asking for, I smiled and said:
"I'm sorry, can you be a bit more specific?"
"Toilet water, that goes in the toilet!!!!!..." she grunted.
"Ah!" I said, "like a toilet cleaner, something like Domestos or Harpic?"
"Whatever", she barked.
So, off I went up the back of the shop and brought a bottle of Domestos back to the counter...
"Open" she barked...
"I'm sorry?" I said...
"Open!"...
"You want me to open it for you??????"
She didn't reply and started to put endless shrapnel on the counter to pay for it...
On closer inspection, this misery wasnt much older than me and didnt seem to have any disability, or apparent reason why she couldnt open it herself, when she got home. None the less, I opened the top for her and took the mountain of change off the counter.
"Bag", she barked...
I said nothing, took a carrier bag out and put the Domestos upright in the bag. It then occurred to me that though she didnt look foreign, may be she didnt speak English, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I continued to smile as she snatched it off the counter and went to leave the shop.
"Thanks a lot," I said really slowly, clearly and politely, just incase she was from warmer climes, because, surely, noone could be that rude.????..
"Have a nice afternoon" I chirpped...
I was still smiling at her, when she stopped in her tracks, turned on her heels and said:
"What the *ecks the matter with you, you stupid C**t - are you retarded??? Just to do your *ecking job and mind your own business"...She shouted...
Quality peasants in the Village this fine day then, she must have had at least two pints of pond water...
I smiled and wished my first customer of the day "Good Morning", she promptly ignored me and barked:
"Toilet Water"
Not knowing exactly which product this scowling misery was asking for, I smiled and said:
"I'm sorry, can you be a bit more specific?"
"Toilet water, that goes in the toilet!!!!!..." she grunted.
"Ah!" I said, "like a toilet cleaner, something like Domestos or Harpic?"
"Whatever", she barked.
So, off I went up the back of the shop and brought a bottle of Domestos back to the counter...
"Open" she barked...
"I'm sorry?" I said...
"Open!"...
"You want me to open it for you??????"
She didn't reply and started to put endless shrapnel on the counter to pay for it...
On closer inspection, this misery wasnt much older than me and didnt seem to have any disability, or apparent reason why she couldnt open it herself, when she got home. None the less, I opened the top for her and took the mountain of change off the counter.
"Bag", she barked...
I said nothing, took a carrier bag out and put the Domestos upright in the bag. It then occurred to me that though she didnt look foreign, may be she didnt speak English, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I continued to smile as she snatched it off the counter and went to leave the shop.
"Thanks a lot," I said really slowly, clearly and politely, just incase she was from warmer climes, because, surely, noone could be that rude.????..
"Have a nice afternoon" I chirpped...
I was still smiling at her, when she stopped in her tracks, turned on her heels and said:
"What the *ecks the matter with you, you stupid C**t - are you retarded??? Just to do your *ecking job and mind your own business"...She shouted...
Quality peasants in the Village this fine day then, she must have had at least two pints of pond water...
Need a Hug Mate?
Dear Customer...
Why have you specifically come in my shop to complain that The Post Office won't accept a photocopy of your insurance policy, so you can renew your tax disk??
This is a gardening shop mate and while you clearly have'nt got the guts to argue about it while you were in there, complaining to a shop keeper four doors away is pointless.
Are you lonely??? Do you need a hug, a cup of tea perhaps for your anger management issues???
These are things we CAN do for you...
We CAN also smile and give a sympathetic nod and make 'ohhhh and ahhh' noises while, red faced, you rant and hisss about the service you received in there..
BUT...that ALL we can do!!!!!!
Screaming at the staff in a gardening shop, is like getting a haircut which you are not happy with and complaining about it in the Cobblers... Its makes no bloody sense at all mate!
So, while you may think, in your agitated state, that its perfectly fine to walk out of the Post Office blazing, barge in to the next available shop and get on your soapbox. You may find that our shop staff find your screaming and shouting irritating. They may even appear a little hostile in their customer service skills, while you are waving your documents and slamming your hands on the counter, especially if they have'nt had their first coffee.
In your fury, could you please refrain from added sarcasm, when I ask you if you have come in to purchase something???? Afterall, its not an unreasonable question, as 99% of people who come through my door buy something. I'm not being rude to you Sir, not half as rude as YOU are being to the queue of people that is forming behind you, patiently waiting to pay for their goods.
Please also refrain from looking at me incredulously, when I ask if you actually complained while you were at the Post Office counter. Any person, having their marbles in place would have considered that.
Shouting in their shop, may prove a lot more productive in resolving car tax issues, than shouting in mine....
Now, bugger off, take your bloody photocopies and waste someone else's morning... TWAT!!!!
Why have you specifically come in my shop to complain that The Post Office won't accept a photocopy of your insurance policy, so you can renew your tax disk??
This is a gardening shop mate and while you clearly have'nt got the guts to argue about it while you were in there, complaining to a shop keeper four doors away is pointless.
Are you lonely??? Do you need a hug, a cup of tea perhaps for your anger management issues???
These are things we CAN do for you...
We CAN also smile and give a sympathetic nod and make 'ohhhh and ahhh' noises while, red faced, you rant and hisss about the service you received in there..
BUT...that ALL we can do!!!!!!
Screaming at the staff in a gardening shop, is like getting a haircut which you are not happy with and complaining about it in the Cobblers... Its makes no bloody sense at all mate!
So, while you may think, in your agitated state, that its perfectly fine to walk out of the Post Office blazing, barge in to the next available shop and get on your soapbox. You may find that our shop staff find your screaming and shouting irritating. They may even appear a little hostile in their customer service skills, while you are waving your documents and slamming your hands on the counter, especially if they have'nt had their first coffee.
In your fury, could you please refrain from added sarcasm, when I ask you if you have come in to purchase something???? Afterall, its not an unreasonable question, as 99% of people who come through my door buy something. I'm not being rude to you Sir, not half as rude as YOU are being to the queue of people that is forming behind you, patiently waiting to pay for their goods.
Please also refrain from looking at me incredulously, when I ask if you actually complained while you were at the Post Office counter. Any person, having their marbles in place would have considered that.
Shouting in their shop, may prove a lot more productive in resolving car tax issues, than shouting in mine....
Now, bugger off, take your bloody photocopies and waste someone else's morning... TWAT!!!!
Monday, 7 November 2011
Fancy a pint?
Muppet Monday again...
Thanks to Magic Padlock Man this morning, who it seems, rather than leaving me little piles of two and one pence pieces by the electric box for the shop shuttering every day. Today has left me an unopened can of Stella... It didnt actually look too shabby, but I may have to ascertain if the damp on it, is morning dew or dog piss...
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Back from Holidays
First morning back at work after my holidays:
Customer: Where did you get your spray tan done?
Me: Mexico....
Followed by passing tumbleweed...then silence...
Customer: Where did you get your spray tan done?
Me: Mexico....
Followed by passing tumbleweed...then silence...
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
But of course, it all depends on which paper you read these days...
Peasants please note: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2039418/UK-weather-Snow-forecast-parts-Britain-early-October.html
I will be laughing all the way to the bank....
Friday, 16 September 2011
Magic Padlock man was banging on the shop door before we opened today. Eager to bring me yet another of his famous cloths, which, not even a good CSI could identify...
By 10am, He had been back to purchase his third padlock of the day, asked for the rolly cigarette back that he so generously gave me yesterday and brought yet another selection of biscuits, which has bits of tissues and some sticky gunk attached. (We think he may have pilfered them from the Methodist Church Coffee Morning down the road).
This morning, Her Royal Highness, The Elderly Snotty Woman who pushes a pram up the high street most days, came in to buy birdseed. She doesnt actually have a child, or any Grandchildren for that matter, but since they took her driving licence from her, (for driving the wrong way down the dual carriageway), she now shops with the next best thing, an oversized pram.
This woman could give lessons in abrupt rudeness. She also wanted to buy dishcloths...how tempted was I to let her have the one Padlock man had brought in earlier?...
I have noticed that no matter what her conversation De Jour is, she always crams in the fact that she used to have a Mondeo and a bungalow in The Village, (before, she tells me, she moved to a better area). - Keep Death Off The Roads, I say... at least she is less dangerous with a pram...
Thought I would also share this...
Just another typical day in The Village. I opened the shop to find various bizarre items in the alleyway next to the shop. This morning's additions, were - several areas of vomit and a pilfered kitchen peddle bin. The bin sat there for most of the day, until I saw one of the peasants clock it...tis now on ebay I suspect...
Also, note the class parking of one of the chavvy cars, parked on a busy corner, blocking the traffic, one wheel illegally up on the kerb, oh and there is the little matter of the yellow lines...the driver clearly thinks that putting Her hazards on - makes her car invisible...
When she got out of the car, she gave me a smug look and went to do some shopping. While she was buying her bottles of Strongbow and Scratchcards, I got my prayer mat out...
On returning to Her car, 40 mins later, She got a £60 quid fine... Seems that Her magic hazards, don't work after all....
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Biscuit anyone?
So, this morning, Latinius Twatius Man is hovering outside the shop in his flat cap and filthy, battered raincoat. He is clearly waiting for the 'shop full' of customer to leave, so he can have a private audience with me. He is gingerly hopping from foot to foot, staring at me through the shop window, with the anticipation of a kid at Christmas.
Yesterday, he told me that as he didn't come into the village during the gale force winds on Monday, that I was deficient in my Latin classes and that he had saved lots of nouns for me to ponder.
Rushed off my bloody feet, selling nails for broken fences and such, I haven't stopped since the first peasants were battering down the door before we opened this morning. DIY shops are like a Mecca after bad weather... Still...there...He hovers...
Somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind, He knows pestering me every day is wrong and that I am actually trying to run my business here and make money. Yet his compulsions to engage me in his little world of giving me a latin education takes priority. The sad thing about it, is that he has at some point been a highly edcuated bloke. He has a cut glass Army Officer accent and impeccable manners, its just a shame that he is clearly absolutely barking!!!!!!!!!!
Like many of the Space Cases, who come though my shop door, the boundaries of what is socially acceptable, is well and truly blurred for them... I have to admit that its hard to be rude to Latinius Twatius, as he is always soooo very polite in his lunacy...
On the other hand its only 10.30am and so far...one of the other ones from the Mothership - Magic Padlock Man has brought me....
1. One earring....
2. An old, used dishcloth
3. A Big Band record sleeve...no record...
4. A handful of ginger biscuits, which have clearly been in his pocket for several months...
5. Some very nice geraniums, which I suspect came off the village roundabout...
Givemeus strengthius....its gonna be a long day....
Yesterday, he told me that as he didn't come into the village during the gale force winds on Monday, that I was deficient in my Latin classes and that he had saved lots of nouns for me to ponder.
Rushed off my bloody feet, selling nails for broken fences and such, I haven't stopped since the first peasants were battering down the door before we opened this morning. DIY shops are like a Mecca after bad weather... Still...there...He hovers...
Somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind, He knows pestering me every day is wrong and that I am actually trying to run my business here and make money. Yet his compulsions to engage me in his little world of giving me a latin education takes priority. The sad thing about it, is that he has at some point been a highly edcuated bloke. He has a cut glass Army Officer accent and impeccable manners, its just a shame that he is clearly absolutely barking!!!!!!!!!!
Like many of the Space Cases, who come though my shop door, the boundaries of what is socially acceptable, is well and truly blurred for them... I have to admit that its hard to be rude to Latinius Twatius, as he is always soooo very polite in his lunacy...
On the other hand its only 10.30am and so far...one of the other ones from the Mothership - Magic Padlock Man has brought me....
1. One earring....
2. An old, used dishcloth
3. A Big Band record sleeve...no record...
4. A handful of ginger biscuits, which have clearly been in his pocket for several months...
5. Some very nice geraniums, which I suspect came off the village roundabout...
Givemeus strengthius....its gonna be a long day....
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
Earth to Helicopter Man....
Pouring down today and Helicoper man must be on day release from the mothership.
He made his entrance into the shop wearing a rammy fleece, smelling of stale fags, unshaven and clearly allergic to soap and water. With huge dramatic sighs, he was loudly complaining to anyone who would listen, that it was poor visibility and he may have to get in touch with The Tower and cancel his flight...
He then came to the counter, wafted his eau de icky bits over me and smugly asked if we had 'any whiskey delta four zero?'.....
He then grinned at me, with his yellow Stone Henge teeth and was obviously expecting me not to know what he was talking about and for me to ask him to repeat his question. I'm sooo used to his weekly bullshite, I just stifled a laugh and pointed to the shelf.
Clearly, bitterly disappointed, missing the opportunity to dazzle me with his knowledge. He picked up a small can and shouted to me across the shop, ensuring all the other customers heard him...
"Whats the difference between this can of whiskey delta four zero and the large can of whiskey delta four zero?"
I replied - " 250 mills larger Sir".
Fuming, He brought the small can over to the counter and slamming it down said - "You will address me as Captain"...
By this time, I was rattling with laughter inside...
"Righto"... I said
"Roger Captain" He said sternly...
I couldnt resist and said "I'm sorry, I didnt realise you had passed your pilots licence, I thought you only flew model aircraft"...
"Its just the same" he snapped.... (Yer, course it is mate!)
"That will be £1.49p, please...Captain"
*Thinks* Whiskey, Alpha, November, Kilo, Echo, Roger....
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Rainius Peasantus
The quantum laws of The Village universe have changed today, because its
raining...not just rain though...proper - End of The World
Rain....
Therefore the residents of The Village of The Damned think the following rules apply....
Our Village has the highest concentration of hairdressers in the County, but the elderly female community, may still come in to our gardening shop and ask if we sell plastic rain bonnets???
Crimes against fashion are allowed, note: the parade of rain bonnetted Geries standing in the torrential downpour, in the queue, 45 mins before The Post Office actually opens....
The local chavvies may still trawl the High Street, dragging their brood, who should clearly be in school...down to Tescos for fags, scratchcards and a bottle of White Lightening...WITHOUT a coat.... Fake tan and midriffs still on show.
Each customer has the right to point out to shop staff that "its raining"...and expect shop staff to look suprised. Despite the fact that it rains for approx 197 days a year in the UK. Residents may be oblivious to shop staff having a life outside of work and may think, that staff are under the impression that its positively tropical outside, ignoring the detail that most of the staff, have just come to work in the deluge.
Torrential rain somehow changes the UK Highway Code and Residents can basically park where they likey... And in the event they cant find a space, they can pull their entire car onto the pavement, blocking the entrances of the local shops...
Residents have the rights to over dramatise the descriptive words they use for the current inclemency.... Words like...awful, appalling, terrible, horrific, soaking, drowned etc... are acceptable, though under normal circumstances most of these words are usually used to describe major world events like the sinking of a ship, tsunamis, hurricanes etc... This particular level of humidity, gives Residents the right to lose perspective within the global context.
Poor weather conditions also enable Residents to get out their appropriate rain wear, which, when last put away, may not have been quite dry and despite it having a foisty odour of mildew and wet dog, wear it away...
DESPITE THE RAIN... Todays Latin class is NOT cancelled...
Therefore the residents of The Village of The Damned think the following rules apply....
Our Village has the highest concentration of hairdressers in the County, but the elderly female community, may still come in to our gardening shop and ask if we sell plastic rain bonnets???
Crimes against fashion are allowed, note: the parade of rain bonnetted Geries standing in the torrential downpour, in the queue, 45 mins before The Post Office actually opens....
The local chavvies may still trawl the High Street, dragging their brood, who should clearly be in school...down to Tescos for fags, scratchcards and a bottle of White Lightening...WITHOUT a coat.... Fake tan and midriffs still on show.
Each customer has the right to point out to shop staff that "its raining"...and expect shop staff to look suprised. Despite the fact that it rains for approx 197 days a year in the UK. Residents may be oblivious to shop staff having a life outside of work and may think, that staff are under the impression that its positively tropical outside, ignoring the detail that most of the staff, have just come to work in the deluge.
Torrential rain somehow changes the UK Highway Code and Residents can basically park where they likey... And in the event they cant find a space, they can pull their entire car onto the pavement, blocking the entrances of the local shops...
Residents have the rights to over dramatise the descriptive words they use for the current inclemency.... Words like...awful, appalling, terrible, horrific, soaking, drowned etc... are acceptable, though under normal circumstances most of these words are usually used to describe major world events like the sinking of a ship, tsunamis, hurricanes etc... This particular level of humidity, gives Residents the right to lose perspective within the global context.
Poor weather conditions also enable Residents to get out their appropriate rain wear, which, when last put away, may not have been quite dry and despite it having a foisty odour of mildew and wet dog, wear it away...
DESPITE THE RAIN... Todays Latin class is NOT cancelled...
Word!
Three young chavvy girls standing in our shop doorway, smaking tabs and discussing their kids first day at school...
One said... "Am putting a complaint in about that teacher...There was no need for my youngest kid to find out my eldest kid is really her Mam"...
Other one: Thats disgraceful, the school should know better...you should sue them...
First one: Yer, Im gonna...
Other one: Yer, you will get loads for having your rights done in.
First one: Word! I didnt want our Kylie to find out that I'm really her nana, cos then she will fink I'm really old...
Other one: Yer...
One said... "Am putting a complaint in about that teacher...There was no need for my youngest kid to find out my eldest kid is really her Mam"...
Other one: Thats disgraceful, the school should know better...you should sue them...
First one: Yer, Im gonna...
Other one: Yer, you will get loads for having your rights done in.
First one: Word! I didnt want our Kylie to find out that I'm really her nana, cos then she will fink I'm really old...
Other one: Yer...
Batteries Woman - The Return
Batteries Woman was the first customer through the door today, with a collection of Duracell Alkalines...
Clearly nothing wrong with them, still fully charged, she bitched for ten minutes about the quality of the batteries and when I tested them infront of her, she told me my tester obviously was faulty.
After three years of returning batteries every two weeks, I don't even bother to ask her what she uses them for, she just says "around the home" - (around the bloody Mother Ship more like)...
I took back the 8 batteries which she bought ten days ago to recycle, all of which she had stuck a label on - and meticulously written the date/time/and colour of hair of the person who sold it to her. Then sold her 8 new ones...she left, as disgruntled as she did ten days ago, when she brought her last lot of batteries in...
I must remember to get my roots done again - she wrote I was ginger!!!!
Clearly nothing wrong with them, still fully charged, she bitched for ten minutes about the quality of the batteries and when I tested them infront of her, she told me my tester obviously was faulty.
After three years of returning batteries every two weeks, I don't even bother to ask her what she uses them for, she just says "around the home" - (around the bloody Mother Ship more like)...
I took back the 8 batteries which she bought ten days ago to recycle, all of which she had stuck a label on - and meticulously written the date/time/and colour of hair of the person who sold it to her. Then sold her 8 new ones...she left, as disgruntled as she did ten days ago, when she brought her last lot of batteries in...
I must remember to get my roots done again - she wrote I was ginger!!!!
Saturday, 10 September 2011
Pansy Pisstakers
A woman comes through the door:
Me: Hello!
Customer ignores me and says... "Wheres your Boss?"
Me: Actually this is my business...
Customer: Well, wheres the man who drinks in the Club on a Friday?
Me: I dont know who you mean...you mean my dad? (not that he ever drinks there on a Friday)
Customer: Yes, I want him to bring me a punnet of pansies to me at the Club.
Me: Why dont you just buy them now?
Customer: He can bring them in the car.
Me: Im sorry, if its my Dad you are talking about, he doesnt have a car, he doesnt drive.
Customer: (getting arsey)... Ill be in there tonight, he can just bring me them.
Me: Why dont you just buy them and take them home with you now?
Customer: He can deliver them for me.
Me: Im sorry, Im not going to ask a member of staff to come in on their day off to collect a punnet of six pansies to walk all the way to the Club, out if work time, just to deliver a tray of £1.99 pansies, when you can just pay for them and take them now.
Customer: He will be going in the Club anyway.
Me: Actually, he never goes in the Club on a Friday and is going out for his wedding anniversary dinner tonight...
Customer: YOU BRING THEM THEN....
Me: (is thinking face palm moment).... That wont be happening Im afraid...
Customer flounces out of the door dragging her pet lip with her...
Me: Hello!
Customer ignores me and says... "Wheres your Boss?"
Me: Actually this is my business...
Customer: Well, wheres the man who drinks in the Club on a Friday?
Me: I dont know who you mean...you mean my dad? (not that he ever drinks there on a Friday)
Customer: Yes, I want him to bring me a punnet of pansies to me at the Club.
Me: Why dont you just buy them now?
Customer: He can bring them in the car.
Me: Im sorry, if its my Dad you are talking about, he doesnt have a car, he doesnt drive.
Customer: (getting arsey)... Ill be in there tonight, he can just bring me them.
Me: Why dont you just buy them and take them home with you now?
Customer: He can deliver them for me.
Me: Im sorry, Im not going to ask a member of staff to come in on their day off to collect a punnet of six pansies to walk all the way to the Club, out if work time, just to deliver a tray of £1.99 pansies, when you can just pay for them and take them now.
Customer: He will be going in the Club anyway.
Me: Actually, he never goes in the Club on a Friday and is going out for his wedding anniversary dinner tonight...
Customer: YOU BRING THEM THEN....
Me: (is thinking face palm moment).... That wont be happening Im afraid...
Customer flounces out of the door dragging her pet lip with her...
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Tokens of affection
Magic Padlock Man has been on a roll today with his pilfering from the Charity Shop Next Door... By 5pm, he had given me a broken bracelet, a scarf, a 2009 Calender and Wham's first Christmas Album, straight from the 80's, only when I pulled the record out, it was by some bloke called Johnny Matthis...the disappointment hung in the air for all of a millisecond...
He has also been carrying round a large two litre bottle of Nisa Cola with him all day and despite the fact that I had only drunk half of my coffee and left my mug by the till. While I was serving a peasant, I saw him sneak through the shop door and fill up my mug with Cheapshite Coke...then left without a word...ho hum...
Of course, The Law of Sod came into play as my very fit delivery driver was humping the compost onto the shop floor (that sounds ruder than it was)... With a tonne of stuff to get priced up and onto the shop floor, Latinus Twatius Manius came creeping into the doorway with his grubby envelope, filled with the Latin education he is intent on giving me everyday.
"Not Now Mate"...I pleaded, "we are really busy"...
Obviously, this translated into Latin means...of course you can waste my feckin time by asking me to translate English to the Latin words you have written on your little pieces of paper. I have nothing better to do, despite the fact I am upto my ears in Compost and Customers!!!
Latinus Twatius is also a Persistius Arseus and hovered around for another ten minutes, clearly not leaving without imparting his pearls of wisdom for the day...
- What was the Latin word for a narrow walkway or road???
For the life of me, and the fact that I was trying to serve, take delivery and clear the shop floor of trip hazards...Not only couldnt I think of it... I just felt like screaming - I'm Feckinus Busius, now Feckius Offius!!!!
Apparently - the word is VIA...
He has also been carrying round a large two litre bottle of Nisa Cola with him all day and despite the fact that I had only drunk half of my coffee and left my mug by the till. While I was serving a peasant, I saw him sneak through the shop door and fill up my mug with Cheapshite Coke...then left without a word...ho hum...
Of course, The Law of Sod came into play as my very fit delivery driver was humping the compost onto the shop floor (that sounds ruder than it was)... With a tonne of stuff to get priced up and onto the shop floor, Latinus Twatius Manius came creeping into the doorway with his grubby envelope, filled with the Latin education he is intent on giving me everyday.
"Not Now Mate"...I pleaded, "we are really busy"...
Obviously, this translated into Latin means...of course you can waste my feckin time by asking me to translate English to the Latin words you have written on your little pieces of paper. I have nothing better to do, despite the fact I am upto my ears in Compost and Customers!!!
Latinus Twatius is also a Persistius Arseus and hovered around for another ten minutes, clearly not leaving without imparting his pearls of wisdom for the day...
- What was the Latin word for a narrow walkway or road???
For the life of me, and the fact that I was trying to serve, take delivery and clear the shop floor of trip hazards...Not only couldnt I think of it... I just felt like screaming - I'm Feckinus Busius, now Feckius Offius!!!!
Apparently - the word is VIA...
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
In time honoured tradition...
Standing outside the shop, doing some mundane task, on any given day of the week, is like a little magnet for the public, to appear out of nowhere and exercise their right to say inane, STUPID, predictable stuff to shop staff....
Its only Tuesday and so far, I have had more than my fair share of:
Sweeping the pavement:
Customer - "OH, you can come and do mine when you have finished?"....
Thinks - I'm not likely to sweep the shit hole where you live Mrs without an armed guard and a Police escort....besides the Council pay for a street cleaner, thats what you pay your Council Tax for...no, sorry.... thats what I PAY YOUR COUNCIL TAX FOR!!!!!
Watering the plants:
Customer - "OH there is no need to do that, its going to rain!"....
Thinks - Is it really??? So, you think I should just leave the £500 worth of pansies and plants that I just bought in, to the reliable English weather, rather than bothering watering them... I didnt realise you worked for the Met Office Love, do you also have tonight's lottery numbers????
Painting the shop front:
Customer - "OH you have missed a bit!"
Thinks - Yep Mate, this is what WORK looks like, now Feck Off and get a job...shouldnt you be out stealing cars at this time of the day????
Kneeling to put plant trays on the display stand:
Customer - "OH, say one for me while you are down there?"
Thinks -
Its only Tuesday and so far, I have had more than my fair share of:
Sweeping the pavement:
Customer - "OH, you can come and do mine when you have finished?"....
Thinks - I'm not likely to sweep the shit hole where you live Mrs without an armed guard and a Police escort....besides the Council pay for a street cleaner, thats what you pay your Council Tax for...no, sorry.... thats what I PAY YOUR COUNCIL TAX FOR!!!!!
Watering the plants:
Customer - "OH there is no need to do that, its going to rain!"....
Thinks - Is it really??? So, you think I should just leave the £500 worth of pansies and plants that I just bought in, to the reliable English weather, rather than bothering watering them... I didnt realise you worked for the Met Office Love, do you also have tonight's lottery numbers????
Painting the shop front:
Customer - "OH you have missed a bit!"
Thinks - Yep Mate, this is what WORK looks like, now Feck Off and get a job...shouldnt you be out stealing cars at this time of the day????
Kneeling to put plant trays on the display stand:
Customer - "OH, say one for me while you are down there?"
Thinks -
Sunday, 28 August 2011
Nutter Alert - Batteries Woman
Traditional 1940's headscarf, old fashioned wicker shopping basket, cut glass accent (not from round ere then?), has a bungalow in The Village, a piss poor attitude to shop staff and a compulsion for batteries.
She comes in the shop religiously every 14 days to complain about our Duracell batteries she bought the previous visit. She gripes that the batteries are aways flat and each time I get my battery tester out to prove to her that there is nothing wrong with them and they are always fully charged. I should have realised there was a rabbit off somewhere when I noticed she had special label stuck to each battery, which she meticulously writes on the date, time and hair colour of the person who sold it to her. It was all I could do not to giggle, when I recently read 03/08/11 9.03am Bald.... Must have been my Dad who served her...lol :)
She refuses to believe that there is nothing wrong with the batteries we sell to her and as we run a recycling scheme, she just buys new ones every two weeks. She complains bitterly about the amount of money it costs her, bitches about the quality of Duracell and the staff, who serve her and clearly lie to her about them being new. We have no idea what she uses them for, but we have great fun in speculating....
She comes in the shop religiously every 14 days to complain about our Duracell batteries she bought the previous visit. She gripes that the batteries are aways flat and each time I get my battery tester out to prove to her that there is nothing wrong with them and they are always fully charged. I should have realised there was a rabbit off somewhere when I noticed she had special label stuck to each battery, which she meticulously writes on the date, time and hair colour of the person who sold it to her. It was all I could do not to giggle, when I recently read 03/08/11 9.03am Bald.... Must have been my Dad who served her...lol :)
She refuses to believe that there is nothing wrong with the batteries we sell to her and as we run a recycling scheme, she just buys new ones every two weeks. She complains bitterly about the amount of money it costs her, bitches about the quality of Duracell and the staff, who serve her and clearly lie to her about them being new. We have no idea what she uses them for, but we have great fun in speculating....
Nutter Alert - Magic Padlock Man
A 6ft 4" Fruitloop, who shoplifts from the Age Concern Shop next door and brings me his pilfering spoils as love tokens...
He comes in my shop almost everyday with tatty bits of broken jewellery, cassette tapes from the local Bible Bashing Church down the road, smelly cloths and always brings a handful of Ginger Snap biscuits. Trouble is, these particular biccies look like a science experiment, not only have they been lovingly fondled by him for weeks on end in the darkness of him pocket. They are also covered in bits of tissue, chewing gum and some gunk that only a good CSI could identify. Still, it doesnt stop him, he is relentless and comes through the door, plonks them on the counter and promptly leaves.
In a rush of normalcy...now and again, he gives me a Pound for the Butterwick Cancer Box, but on the other hand, he has been known to bring me a solitary roll up ciggie and come back the following day and ask for it back.
Everyday at 5pm, I have to return all the stolen good to the Charity Shop...where they are under strict instruction not to put the stuff straight back on the shop floor. We have learned that he just keeps stealing the same items everyday for the entire week and I get really pissed off, having to taking all the crap back.
Before the tree outside the shop got struck by lightening, he used to leave pennies 'for the poor children' carefully placed on the branches.
Sometimes, when I hoover the shop floor, I find neat little piles of coins in the corners and on shelf ends....
PS.... I call him Magic Padlock Man, because he buys at least two padlocks a week from my shop...but after he has paid for them, he opens the packets and leaves the keys on the counter. Three years ago, when he first started doing this, I asked him what he wanted the padlocks for... He told me that he needed to lock everything up at home. I suggested that he take the keys with him, to be able to open the padlocks later. He looked me in the eye and with absolute clarity, told me that he didnt need the keys, as there was a magic word on the front of the padlock which, when he said it, would open the padlock.
Looking down at the padlock, I noticed they had been stamped with a picture of a bird and the word EGRET... as he walked out of the shop with his fourth padlock of the week... I thought....them cleaners must love you on the Mothership mate!!!!
He comes in my shop almost everyday with tatty bits of broken jewellery, cassette tapes from the local Bible Bashing Church down the road, smelly cloths and always brings a handful of Ginger Snap biscuits. Trouble is, these particular biccies look like a science experiment, not only have they been lovingly fondled by him for weeks on end in the darkness of him pocket. They are also covered in bits of tissue, chewing gum and some gunk that only a good CSI could identify. Still, it doesnt stop him, he is relentless and comes through the door, plonks them on the counter and promptly leaves.
In a rush of normalcy...now and again, he gives me a Pound for the Butterwick Cancer Box, but on the other hand, he has been known to bring me a solitary roll up ciggie and come back the following day and ask for it back.
Everyday at 5pm, I have to return all the stolen good to the Charity Shop...where they are under strict instruction not to put the stuff straight back on the shop floor. We have learned that he just keeps stealing the same items everyday for the entire week and I get really pissed off, having to taking all the crap back.
Before the tree outside the shop got struck by lightening, he used to leave pennies 'for the poor children' carefully placed on the branches.
Sometimes, when I hoover the shop floor, I find neat little piles of coins in the corners and on shelf ends....
PS.... I call him Magic Padlock Man, because he buys at least two padlocks a week from my shop...but after he has paid for them, he opens the packets and leaves the keys on the counter. Three years ago, when he first started doing this, I asked him what he wanted the padlocks for... He told me that he needed to lock everything up at home. I suggested that he take the keys with him, to be able to open the padlocks later. He looked me in the eye and with absolute clarity, told me that he didnt need the keys, as there was a magic word on the front of the padlock which, when he said it, would open the padlock.
Looking down at the padlock, I noticed they had been stamped with a picture of a bird and the word EGRET... as he walked out of the shop with his fourth padlock of the week... I thought....them cleaners must love you on the Mothership mate!!!!
Nutter Alert Overview
Every Village has its idiots, but ours seems to have a particular heavy concentration, which is most noticable on a Saturday morning, when the cleaning staff want to being in to dust the local Mothership round the corner... They turf the 'mainly barking' out into the Village in various states of undress and profoundly medicated, so they can get their cleaning done with no interruptions.
For the purpose of this blog, I wasn't sure how to catagorise these muppets, so I thought I would give each once of these ickle titles, so you can identify them as they come through the shop door...
For the purpose of this blog, I wasn't sure how to catagorise these muppets, so I thought I would give each once of these ickle titles, so you can identify them as they come through the shop door...
Bleep Bleep Bleep
A woman brough in a chandelier, put it on the counter and told me that it was bleeping.
After having a good look at it, I pointed out to her that wasnt bleeping now and that I couldnt see how it could bleep as it didnt have any audio circuitry. She told me it hangs in the hallway and everytime she came through the front door, something was setting it off. I was stumped and explained to her that I couldnt see how it could be the chandelier that was bleeping. She told me I was taking the piss out of her and I clearly didnt know anything about light fittings. She then asked to see the Manager...
I told her she was talking to the Manager and suggested that she took home a 9v battery....
She looked at me, wide eyed and asked where she could fit that in the chandelier... I said, its not going to fit in the chandelier, its going to fit in your smoke alarm and thats going to stop your chandelier from bleeping...
...she hasnt been back....
After having a good look at it, I pointed out to her that wasnt bleeping now and that I couldnt see how it could bleep as it didnt have any audio circuitry. She told me it hangs in the hallway and everytime she came through the front door, something was setting it off. I was stumped and explained to her that I couldnt see how it could be the chandelier that was bleeping. She told me I was taking the piss out of her and I clearly didnt know anything about light fittings. She then asked to see the Manager...
I told her she was talking to the Manager and suggested that she took home a 9v battery....
She looked at me, wide eyed and asked where she could fit that in the chandelier... I said, its not going to fit in the chandelier, its going to fit in your smoke alarm and thats going to stop your chandelier from bleeping...
...she hasnt been back....
Outdoor Gardening
Customer: Are these plants for outdoors?
Me: Yes Madam, they are all outdoor plants.
Customer: I just want some for my garden.
Me: Well, all these plants are suitable for the garden and are all locally grown.
Customer: I just wanted outdoor plants.
Me: These are alll outdoor garden plants. (wonders if I'm speaking English)
Customer: I just wanted plants for my garden...I'll go to Wilkos, they will have some...
Me: Yes Madam, they are all outdoor plants.
Customer: I just want some for my garden.
Me: Well, all these plants are suitable for the garden and are all locally grown.
Customer: I just wanted outdoor plants.
Me: These are alll outdoor garden plants. (wonders if I'm speaking English)
Customer: I just wanted plants for my garden...I'll go to Wilkos, they will have some...
Dear Customer No. 5
Dear Customer,
Thank you for leaving me a pint glass, half full of piss, on the shop shuttering key box every morning this week...
Thank you for leaving me a pint glass, half full of piss, on the shop shuttering key box every morning this week...
Time Space Continuum
Customer: Do you sell garden sheds?
Me: No, Sir, I'm really sorry we don't...
Customer: Why on eath not?
Me: Because this is only a small village shop and we don't have room to stock garden sheds...
Customer: What type of gardening shop does'nt stock garden sheds????
Me: One thats not built like the feckin Tardis Sir....!!!!
Me: No, Sir, I'm really sorry we don't...
Customer: Why on eath not?
Me: Because this is only a small village shop and we don't have room to stock garden sheds...
Customer: What type of gardening shop does'nt stock garden sheds????
Me: One thats not built like the feckin Tardis Sir....!!!!
Far and Wide
Dear Customer...
Everytime you come into my shop to buy dishcloths to send to your daughter in New Zealand.... I wonder if you realise that she actually moved to a country with a modern society...with running water, electrickery and dishcloths....
I know that any location further away that Redcar is hard for you to comprehend, but give her credit, thats why she probably moved there in the first place...
Everytime you come into my shop to buy dishcloths to send to your daughter in New Zealand.... I wonder if you realise that she actually moved to a country with a modern society...with running water, electrickery and dishcloths....
I know that any location further away that Redcar is hard for you to comprehend, but give her credit, thats why she probably moved there in the first place...
Thursday, 25 August 2011
VAT Schmat...
Customer: Its 4p dearer than the last time I bought it???.
Me: Yes Madam, thats because the VAT has gone up to 20 percent since last year.
Customer: What? I want it at the old price, cos I'm not VAT registered.
Me: ?????? ... I don't think you can opt out of paying VAT to the UK Government Madam?
Customer: Well I don't pay VAT in any other shop. Its outrageous!
Me: We are a VAT registered business and paint is a VATTABLE product.
Customer: I told you - I'm not registered, wheres the Manager? You're making up this shite, I'm never shopping here again, I'll ring the papers...trying to charge people VAT - you are a robber! - She storms out the shop...
Me: Yes Madam, thats because the VAT has gone up to 20 percent since last year.
Customer: What? I want it at the old price, cos I'm not VAT registered.
Me: ?????? ... I don't think you can opt out of paying VAT to the UK Government Madam?
Customer: Well I don't pay VAT in any other shop. Its outrageous!
Me: We are a VAT registered business and paint is a VATTABLE product.
Customer: I told you - I'm not registered, wheres the Manager? You're making up this shite, I'm never shopping here again, I'll ring the papers...trying to charge people VAT - you are a robber! - She storms out the shop...
Driving me potty...
Customer brings in a plant pot to the shop and waves it infront of me. ''Do you have a plant pot like this?,'' I go to the plant pot dept, 2ft away from where she is standing, because she cant be arsed to look for herself and present her with an identical plant pot, identical, as in brand, size, shape and colour.
First thing customer says ''Oh no, thats not the same, is it? Its different!'' - I give my best smile and try NOT to say - do you think I don't possess the skills to match one item to another and just fancied 10 mins of weary show and tell, presenting you with various pots that don't look remotely like the one you have in your hand?.
I flash another (isnt it my break yet?) smile and despite her insistance that its not the same, I reassure her that its identical...
She cockily says ''I don't think so, but I suppose it will have to do...''
Dear Customer No.6
What? Its too hot for you outside? Its raining? Its freezing? Its bitterly cold/swealteringly humid?
We really don't care to have to listen to your gripes about the British weather. Us poor shop workers have been standing behind a till all day and havent seen a peak of daylight for hours.
Moaning to staff who have been under flourescent shop lighting all day is futile. We have no idea whats going on outside and you are more than likely the tenth person in the last 20 mins to tell us your weather whinges.
Saying 'what have YOU done to the weather?' is neither funny, nor clever. It doesnt provoke a witty response from shop staff, it just makes us want to bash you over the head with the brolly you are pointing at us.
Give us a break - if you dont like the weather, feckin stay at home!
Dear Customer No. 4
Dear Customer... Please do not use the service in my shop to justify to the traffic warden why you parked for ten minutes on the double yellow lines. My staff are bright, hardworking, intelligent people who will endeavour to serve you almost immediately on coming to the counter... If you choose to break the law and park illegally, standing outside the shop screaming at the warden and blaming the shop staff is a little unfair and makes you look a twat!
Waving the parking ticket infront of the shop staff and demanding we compensate you, also makes you look a twat...and no...there is no sign saying not to park on the double yellows...lol...but there is a ickle fing called the highway code....
I dont doubt that...as you screamed at the staff...it 'WILL be the last time you shop here' and probably the last time you think that you have double yellow immunity too.
The Key to good service
She then proceeds to empty her handbag on the counter and spends the next ten mins raking thru it...I continue to serve the customers behind her, who pass their items over her shoulder... Eventually she declares....
Customer: Ahhhh..shite, I have forgotten to bring the key, I'll pop home and be back in a bit...
Customer: Ahhhh..shite, I have forgotten to bring the key, I'll pop home and be back in a bit...
Helicopter Man
Customer: "Do you sell Pledge?"
Me: "No, sorry Sir, just gardening items".
Customer: "Right, youre a woman, you will know about cleaning products. If I spray it on the rotar blades of my helicopter, what will be the reduction in drag factor?"
Me: "Im sorry I have no idea..."
Customer: "Ball park figure...."
Me: "I dont know, Im sorry..."
Customer: " Let me be clear...I'm not wasting my money if its more than 10% reducion...."
Me: "Let me be clear....we don't sell it! Save your breath mate, you will need it to blow up your girldfriend later...."
The following day...
Customer: "I was in yesterday about my helicopter... I read on the internet that silicone based furniture polish only reduces drag capacity by 9.6% if it contains benzyl salicylate. I know you don't know anything about it....So I want your manager to check the ingredients for me."
Me: "Sir..I AM the manager and am telling you we don't sell it...this is a gardening shop...please stop wasting my time".
Customer: "But you must have some in the shop somewhere, what do you clean the counter with?"
Me: "Customer's heads...now feck off... "
Funeral Fury
I was at a friends funeral on Friday, when someone from a few rows behind me, passed me a £5 during the final hymn. I assumed it was to go into the collection plate and so thats where I put it when it came round.
As we followed the coffin out of the church, a woman whispered to me..."you can deliver it later today"....I had no idea what she was talking about.
This morning, She has been in the shop to complain that she didnt get her bag of compost on Friday and bitched that it was inconvenient that we were closed for the funeral... Ya cant win...
As we followed the coffin out of the church, a woman whispered to me..."you can deliver it later today"....I had no idea what she was talking about.
This morning, She has been in the shop to complain that she didnt get her bag of compost on Friday and bitched that it was inconvenient that we were closed for the funeral... Ya cant win...
Tweety Twat...
We play ambient birdsong in the shop...we sell lots of birdseed...
Customer: Whats that bird singing...have you gorra bird in ere?
Me: No madam, its a CD..
Customer: Eh?
Me: Its not real, its a CD...
Customer: Wot kind of bird is that??? I can't see it...is it in the roof?
Me: No...its NOT real...its a CD recording.
Customer: Av you gorra bird...where is it?
*I walk away...sure of the fact that I was pretty clear...
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