Tuesday 20 September 2011
Friday 16 September 2011
Magic Padlock man was banging on the shop door before we opened today. Eager to bring me yet another of his famous cloths, which, not even a good CSI could identify...
By 10am, He had been back to purchase his third padlock of the day, asked for the rolly cigarette back that he so generously gave me yesterday and brought yet another selection of biscuits, which has bits of tissues and some sticky gunk attached. (We think he may have pilfered them from the Methodist Church Coffee Morning down the road).
This morning, Her Royal Highness, The Elderly Snotty Woman who pushes a pram up the high street most days, came in to buy birdseed. She doesnt actually have a child, or any Grandchildren for that matter, but since they took her driving licence from her, (for driving the wrong way down the dual carriageway), she now shops with the next best thing, an oversized pram.
This woman could give lessons in abrupt rudeness. She also wanted to buy dishcloths...how tempted was I to let her have the one Padlock man had brought in earlier?...
I have noticed that no matter what her conversation De Jour is, she always crams in the fact that she used to have a Mondeo and a bungalow in The Village, (before, she tells me, she moved to a better area). - Keep Death Off The Roads, I say... at least she is less dangerous with a pram...
Thought I would also share this...
Just another typical day in The Village. I opened the shop to find various bizarre items in the alleyway next to the shop. This morning's additions, were - several areas of vomit and a pilfered kitchen peddle bin. The bin sat there for most of the day, until I saw one of the peasants clock it...tis now on ebay I suspect...
Also, note the class parking of one of the chavvy cars, parked on a busy corner, blocking the traffic, one wheel illegally up on the kerb, oh and there is the little matter of the yellow lines...the driver clearly thinks that putting Her hazards on - makes her car invisible...
When she got out of the car, she gave me a smug look and went to do some shopping. While she was buying her bottles of Strongbow and Scratchcards, I got my prayer mat out...
On returning to Her car, 40 mins later, She got a £60 quid fine... Seems that Her magic hazards, don't work after all....
Wednesday 14 September 2011
Biscuit anyone?
So, this morning, Latinius Twatius Man is hovering outside the shop in his flat cap and filthy, battered raincoat. He is clearly waiting for the 'shop full' of customer to leave, so he can have a private audience with me. He is gingerly hopping from foot to foot, staring at me through the shop window, with the anticipation of a kid at Christmas.
Yesterday, he told me that as he didn't come into the village during the gale force winds on Monday, that I was deficient in my Latin classes and that he had saved lots of nouns for me to ponder.
Rushed off my bloody feet, selling nails for broken fences and such, I haven't stopped since the first peasants were battering down the door before we opened this morning. DIY shops are like a Mecca after bad weather... Still...there...He hovers...
Somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind, He knows pestering me every day is wrong and that I am actually trying to run my business here and make money. Yet his compulsions to engage me in his little world of giving me a latin education takes priority. The sad thing about it, is that he has at some point been a highly edcuated bloke. He has a cut glass Army Officer accent and impeccable manners, its just a shame that he is clearly absolutely barking!!!!!!!!!!
Like many of the Space Cases, who come though my shop door, the boundaries of what is socially acceptable, is well and truly blurred for them... I have to admit that its hard to be rude to Latinius Twatius, as he is always soooo very polite in his lunacy...
On the other hand its only 10.30am and so far...one of the other ones from the Mothership - Magic Padlock Man has brought me....
1. One earring....
2. An old, used dishcloth
3. A Big Band record sleeve...no record...
4. A handful of ginger biscuits, which have clearly been in his pocket for several months...
5. Some very nice geraniums, which I suspect came off the village roundabout...
Givemeus strengthius....its gonna be a long day....
Yesterday, he told me that as he didn't come into the village during the gale force winds on Monday, that I was deficient in my Latin classes and that he had saved lots of nouns for me to ponder.
Rushed off my bloody feet, selling nails for broken fences and such, I haven't stopped since the first peasants were battering down the door before we opened this morning. DIY shops are like a Mecca after bad weather... Still...there...He hovers...
Somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind, He knows pestering me every day is wrong and that I am actually trying to run my business here and make money. Yet his compulsions to engage me in his little world of giving me a latin education takes priority. The sad thing about it, is that he has at some point been a highly edcuated bloke. He has a cut glass Army Officer accent and impeccable manners, its just a shame that he is clearly absolutely barking!!!!!!!!!!
Like many of the Space Cases, who come though my shop door, the boundaries of what is socially acceptable, is well and truly blurred for them... I have to admit that its hard to be rude to Latinius Twatius, as he is always soooo very polite in his lunacy...
On the other hand its only 10.30am and so far...one of the other ones from the Mothership - Magic Padlock Man has brought me....
1. One earring....
2. An old, used dishcloth
3. A Big Band record sleeve...no record...
4. A handful of ginger biscuits, which have clearly been in his pocket for several months...
5. Some very nice geraniums, which I suspect came off the village roundabout...
Givemeus strengthius....its gonna be a long day....
Tuesday 13 September 2011
Earth to Helicopter Man....
Pouring down today and Helicoper man must be on day release from the mothership.
He made his entrance into the shop wearing a rammy fleece, smelling of stale fags, unshaven and clearly allergic to soap and water. With huge dramatic sighs, he was loudly complaining to anyone who would listen, that it was poor visibility and he may have to get in touch with The Tower and cancel his flight...
He then came to the counter, wafted his eau de icky bits over me and smugly asked if we had 'any whiskey delta four zero?'.....
He then grinned at me, with his yellow Stone Henge teeth and was obviously expecting me not to know what he was talking about and for me to ask him to repeat his question. I'm sooo used to his weekly bullshite, I just stifled a laugh and pointed to the shelf.
Clearly, bitterly disappointed, missing the opportunity to dazzle me with his knowledge. He picked up a small can and shouted to me across the shop, ensuring all the other customers heard him...
"Whats the difference between this can of whiskey delta four zero and the large can of whiskey delta four zero?"
I replied - " 250 mills larger Sir".
Fuming, He brought the small can over to the counter and slamming it down said - "You will address me as Captain"...
By this time, I was rattling with laughter inside...
"Righto"... I said
"Roger Captain" He said sternly...
I couldnt resist and said "I'm sorry, I didnt realise you had passed your pilots licence, I thought you only flew model aircraft"...
"Its just the same" he snapped.... (Yer, course it is mate!)
"That will be £1.49p, please...Captain"
*Thinks* Whiskey, Alpha, November, Kilo, Echo, Roger....
Sunday 11 September 2011
Rainius Peasantus
The quantum laws of The Village universe have changed today, because its
raining...not just rain though...proper - End of The World
Rain....
Therefore the residents of The Village of The Damned think the following rules apply....
Our Village has the highest concentration of hairdressers in the County, but the elderly female community, may still come in to our gardening shop and ask if we sell plastic rain bonnets???
Crimes against fashion are allowed, note: the parade of rain bonnetted Geries standing in the torrential downpour, in the queue, 45 mins before The Post Office actually opens....
The local chavvies may still trawl the High Street, dragging their brood, who should clearly be in school...down to Tescos for fags, scratchcards and a bottle of White Lightening...WITHOUT a coat.... Fake tan and midriffs still on show.
Each customer has the right to point out to shop staff that "its raining"...and expect shop staff to look suprised. Despite the fact that it rains for approx 197 days a year in the UK. Residents may be oblivious to shop staff having a life outside of work and may think, that staff are under the impression that its positively tropical outside, ignoring the detail that most of the staff, have just come to work in the deluge.
Torrential rain somehow changes the UK Highway Code and Residents can basically park where they likey... And in the event they cant find a space, they can pull their entire car onto the pavement, blocking the entrances of the local shops...
Residents have the rights to over dramatise the descriptive words they use for the current inclemency.... Words like...awful, appalling, terrible, horrific, soaking, drowned etc... are acceptable, though under normal circumstances most of these words are usually used to describe major world events like the sinking of a ship, tsunamis, hurricanes etc... This particular level of humidity, gives Residents the right to lose perspective within the global context.
Poor weather conditions also enable Residents to get out their appropriate rain wear, which, when last put away, may not have been quite dry and despite it having a foisty odour of mildew and wet dog, wear it away...
DESPITE THE RAIN... Todays Latin class is NOT cancelled...
Therefore the residents of The Village of The Damned think the following rules apply....
Our Village has the highest concentration of hairdressers in the County, but the elderly female community, may still come in to our gardening shop and ask if we sell plastic rain bonnets???
Crimes against fashion are allowed, note: the parade of rain bonnetted Geries standing in the torrential downpour, in the queue, 45 mins before The Post Office actually opens....
The local chavvies may still trawl the High Street, dragging their brood, who should clearly be in school...down to Tescos for fags, scratchcards and a bottle of White Lightening...WITHOUT a coat.... Fake tan and midriffs still on show.
Each customer has the right to point out to shop staff that "its raining"...and expect shop staff to look suprised. Despite the fact that it rains for approx 197 days a year in the UK. Residents may be oblivious to shop staff having a life outside of work and may think, that staff are under the impression that its positively tropical outside, ignoring the detail that most of the staff, have just come to work in the deluge.
Torrential rain somehow changes the UK Highway Code and Residents can basically park where they likey... And in the event they cant find a space, they can pull their entire car onto the pavement, blocking the entrances of the local shops...
Residents have the rights to over dramatise the descriptive words they use for the current inclemency.... Words like...awful, appalling, terrible, horrific, soaking, drowned etc... are acceptable, though under normal circumstances most of these words are usually used to describe major world events like the sinking of a ship, tsunamis, hurricanes etc... This particular level of humidity, gives Residents the right to lose perspective within the global context.
Poor weather conditions also enable Residents to get out their appropriate rain wear, which, when last put away, may not have been quite dry and despite it having a foisty odour of mildew and wet dog, wear it away...
DESPITE THE RAIN... Todays Latin class is NOT cancelled...
Word!
Three young chavvy girls standing in our shop doorway, smaking tabs and discussing their kids first day at school...
One said... "Am putting a complaint in about that teacher...There was no need for my youngest kid to find out my eldest kid is really her Mam"...
Other one: Thats disgraceful, the school should know better...you should sue them...
First one: Yer, Im gonna...
Other one: Yer, you will get loads for having your rights done in.
First one: Word! I didnt want our Kylie to find out that I'm really her nana, cos then she will fink I'm really old...
Other one: Yer...
One said... "Am putting a complaint in about that teacher...There was no need for my youngest kid to find out my eldest kid is really her Mam"...
Other one: Thats disgraceful, the school should know better...you should sue them...
First one: Yer, Im gonna...
Other one: Yer, you will get loads for having your rights done in.
First one: Word! I didnt want our Kylie to find out that I'm really her nana, cos then she will fink I'm really old...
Other one: Yer...
Batteries Woman - The Return
Batteries Woman was the first customer through the door today, with a collection of Duracell Alkalines...
Clearly nothing wrong with them, still fully charged, she bitched for ten minutes about the quality of the batteries and when I tested them infront of her, she told me my tester obviously was faulty.
After three years of returning batteries every two weeks, I don't even bother to ask her what she uses them for, she just says "around the home" - (around the bloody Mother Ship more like)...
I took back the 8 batteries which she bought ten days ago to recycle, all of which she had stuck a label on - and meticulously written the date/time/and colour of hair of the person who sold it to her. Then sold her 8 new ones...she left, as disgruntled as she did ten days ago, when she brought her last lot of batteries in...
I must remember to get my roots done again - she wrote I was ginger!!!!
Clearly nothing wrong with them, still fully charged, she bitched for ten minutes about the quality of the batteries and when I tested them infront of her, she told me my tester obviously was faulty.
After three years of returning batteries every two weeks, I don't even bother to ask her what she uses them for, she just says "around the home" - (around the bloody Mother Ship more like)...
I took back the 8 batteries which she bought ten days ago to recycle, all of which she had stuck a label on - and meticulously written the date/time/and colour of hair of the person who sold it to her. Then sold her 8 new ones...she left, as disgruntled as she did ten days ago, when she brought her last lot of batteries in...
I must remember to get my roots done again - she wrote I was ginger!!!!
Saturday 10 September 2011
Pansy Pisstakers
A woman comes through the door:
Me: Hello!
Customer ignores me and says... "Wheres your Boss?"
Me: Actually this is my business...
Customer: Well, wheres the man who drinks in the Club on a Friday?
Me: I dont know who you mean...you mean my dad? (not that he ever drinks there on a Friday)
Customer: Yes, I want him to bring me a punnet of pansies to me at the Club.
Me: Why dont you just buy them now?
Customer: He can bring them in the car.
Me: Im sorry, if its my Dad you are talking about, he doesnt have a car, he doesnt drive.
Customer: (getting arsey)... Ill be in there tonight, he can just bring me them.
Me: Why dont you just buy them and take them home with you now?
Customer: He can deliver them for me.
Me: Im sorry, Im not going to ask a member of staff to come in on their day off to collect a punnet of six pansies to walk all the way to the Club, out if work time, just to deliver a tray of £1.99 pansies, when you can just pay for them and take them now.
Customer: He will be going in the Club anyway.
Me: Actually, he never goes in the Club on a Friday and is going out for his wedding anniversary dinner tonight...
Customer: YOU BRING THEM THEN....
Me: (is thinking face palm moment).... That wont be happening Im afraid...
Customer flounces out of the door dragging her pet lip with her...
Me: Hello!
Customer ignores me and says... "Wheres your Boss?"
Me: Actually this is my business...
Customer: Well, wheres the man who drinks in the Club on a Friday?
Me: I dont know who you mean...you mean my dad? (not that he ever drinks there on a Friday)
Customer: Yes, I want him to bring me a punnet of pansies to me at the Club.
Me: Why dont you just buy them now?
Customer: He can bring them in the car.
Me: Im sorry, if its my Dad you are talking about, he doesnt have a car, he doesnt drive.
Customer: (getting arsey)... Ill be in there tonight, he can just bring me them.
Me: Why dont you just buy them and take them home with you now?
Customer: He can deliver them for me.
Me: Im sorry, Im not going to ask a member of staff to come in on their day off to collect a punnet of six pansies to walk all the way to the Club, out if work time, just to deliver a tray of £1.99 pansies, when you can just pay for them and take them now.
Customer: He will be going in the Club anyway.
Me: Actually, he never goes in the Club on a Friday and is going out for his wedding anniversary dinner tonight...
Customer: YOU BRING THEM THEN....
Me: (is thinking face palm moment).... That wont be happening Im afraid...
Customer flounces out of the door dragging her pet lip with her...
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