Tokens of affection

Magic Padlock Man has been on a roll today with his pilfering from the Charity Shop Next Door... By 5pm, he had given me a broken bracelet, a scarf, a 2009 Calender and Wham's first Christmas Album, straight from the 80's, only when I pulled the record out, it was by some bloke called Johnny Matthis...the disappointment hung in the air for all of a millisecond...

He has also been carrying round a large two litre bottle of Nisa Cola with him all day and despite the fact that I had only drunk half of my coffee and left my mug by the till. While I was serving a peasant, I saw him sneak through the shop door and fill up my mug with Cheapshite Coke...then left without a word...ho hum...

Of course, The Law of Sod came into play as my very fit delivery driver was humping the compost onto the shop floor (that sounds ruder than it was)... With a tonne of stuff to get priced up and onto the shop floor, Latinus Twatius Manius came creeping into the doorway with his grubby envelope, filled with the Latin education he is intent on giving me everyday.

"Not Now Mate"...I pleaded, "we are really busy"...

Obviously, this translated into Latin means...of course you can waste my feckin time by asking me to translate English to the Latin words you have written on your little pieces of paper. I have nothing better to do, despite the fact I am upto my ears in Compost and Customers!!!

Latinus Twatius is also a Persistius Arseus and hovered around for another ten minutes, clearly not leaving without imparting his pearls of wisdom for the day...

- What was the Latin word for a narrow walkway or road???

For the life of me, and the fact that I was trying to serve, take delivery and clear the shop floor of trip hazards...Not only couldnt I think of it... I just felt like screaming - I'm Feckinus Busius, now Feckius Offius!!!!

Apparently - the word is VIA...

In time honoured tradition...

Standing outside the shop,  doing some mundane task, on any given day of the week, is like a little magnet for the public, to appear out of nowhere and exercise their right to say inane, STUPID, predictable stuff to shop staff....

Its only Tuesday and so far, I have had more than my fair share of:

Sweeping the pavement:       
Customer - "OH, you can come and do mine when you have finished?"....

Thinks - I'm not likely to sweep the shit hole where you live Mrs without an armed guard and a Police escort....besides the Council pay for a street cleaner, thats what you pay your Council Tax for...no, sorry.... thats what I PAY YOUR COUNCIL TAX FOR!!!!!


Watering the plants:                
Customer - "OH there is no need to do that, its going to rain!"....

Thinks - Is it really???  So,  you think I should just leave the £500 worth of pansies and plants that I just bought in, to the reliable English weather, rather than bothering watering them... I didnt realise you worked for the Met Office Love, do you also have tonight's lottery numbers????

Painting the shop front:             
Customer - "OH you have missed a bit!"

Thinks - Yep Mate, this is what WORK looks like, now Feck Off and get a job...shouldnt you be out stealing cars at this time of the day????

Kneeling to put plant trays on the display stand:
Customer - "OH, say one for me while you are down there?"

Thinks - Lord, grant me the serenity to accept stupid people the way they are, courage to maintain my self-control and wisdom to know where to hide the bodies of the ones that piss me off....

 

Nutter Alert - Batteries Woman

Traditional 1940's headscarf, old fashioned wicker shopping basket, cut glass accent (not from round ere then?), has a bungalow in The Village, a piss poor attitude to shop staff and a compulsion for batteries.

She comes in the shop religiously every 14 days to complain about our Duracell batteries she bought the previous visit.  She gripes that the batteries are aways flat and each time I get my battery tester out to prove to her that there is nothing wrong with them and they are always fully charged.  I should have realised there was a rabbit off somewhere when I noticed she had special label stuck to each battery, which she meticulously writes on the date, time and hair colour of the person who sold it to her.  It was all I could do not to giggle, when I recently read 03/08/11  9.03am Bald.... Must have been my Dad who served her...lol :)

She refuses to believe that there is nothing wrong with the batteries we sell to her and as we run a recycling scheme, she just buys new ones every two weeks.  She complains bitterly about the amount of money it costs her, bitches about the quality of Duracell and the staff,  who serve her and clearly lie to her about them being new.  We have no idea what she uses them for, but we have great fun in speculating....

Nutter Alert - Magic Padlock Man

A 6ft 4" Fruitloop, who shoplifts from the Age Concern Shop next door and brings me his pilfering spoils as love tokens...

He comes in my shop almost everyday with tatty bits of broken jewellery, cassette tapes from the local Bible Bashing Church down the road, smelly cloths and always brings a handful of Ginger Snap biscuits. Trouble is, these particular biccies look like a science experiment, not only have they been lovingly fondled by him for weeks on end in the darkness of him pocket.  They are also covered in bits of tissue, chewing gum and some gunk that only a good CSI could identify.  Still, it doesnt stop him, he is relentless and comes through the door, plonks them on the counter and promptly leaves. 

In a rush of  normalcy...now and again,  he gives me a Pound for the Butterwick Cancer Box, but on the other hand, he has been known to bring me a solitary roll up ciggie and come back the following day and ask for it back.

Everyday at 5pm, I have to return all the stolen good to the Charity Shop...where they are under strict instruction not to put the stuff straight back on the shop floor.  We have learned that he just keeps stealing the same items everyday for the entire week and I get really pissed off, having to taking all the crap back. 

Before the tree outside the shop got struck by lightening, he used to leave pennies 'for the poor children' carefully placed on the branches. 

Sometimes, when I hoover the shop floor, I find neat little piles of coins in the corners and on shelf ends....

PS.... I call him Magic Padlock Man, because he buys at least two padlocks a week from my shop...but after he has paid for them, he opens the packets and leaves the keys on the counter.   Three years ago, when he first started doing this, I asked him what he wanted the padlocks for... He told me that he needed to lock everything up at home.  I suggested that he take the keys with him, to be able to open the padlocks later.  He looked me in the eye and with absolute clarity, told me that he didnt need the keys, as there was a magic word on the front of the padlock which, when he said it, would open the padlock. 

Looking down at the padlock,  I noticed they had been stamped with a picture of a bird and the word EGRET... as he walked out of the shop with his fourth padlock of the week... I thought....them cleaners must love you on the Mothership mate!!!!

Nutter Alert Overview

Every Village has its idiots, but ours seems to have a particular heavy concentration, which is most noticable on a Saturday morning, when the cleaning staff want to being in to dust the local Mothership round the corner...  They turf the 'mainly barking' out into the Village in various states of undress and profoundly medicated, so they can get their cleaning done with no interruptions.

For the purpose of this blog, I wasn't sure how to catagorise these muppets, so I thought I would give each once of these ickle titles, so you can identify them as they come through the shop door...

Bleep Bleep Bleep

A woman brough in a chandelier,  put it on the counter and told me that it was bleeping. 

After having a good look at it, I pointed out to her that wasnt bleeping now and that I couldnt see how it could bleep as it didnt have any audio circuitry.  She told me it hangs in the hallway and everytime she came through the front door, something was setting it off.  I was stumped and explained to her that I couldnt see how it could be the chandelier that was bleeping.  She told me I was taking the piss out of her and I clearly didnt know anything about light fittings. She then asked to see the Manager...

I told her she was talking to the Manager and suggested that she took home a 9v battery....

She looked at me, wide eyed and asked where she could fit that in the chandelier... I said, its not going to fit in the chandelier, its going to fit in your smoke alarm and thats going to stop your chandelier from bleeping...

...she hasnt been back....

Outdoor Gardening

Customer: Are these plants for outdoors?
Me: Yes Madam, they are all outdoor plants.
Customer: I just want some for my garden.
Me: Well, all these plants are suitable for the garden and are all locally grown.
Customer: I just wanted outdoor plants.
Me: These are alll outdoor garden plants. (wonders if I'm speaking English)
Customer: I just wanted plants for my garden...I'll go to Wilkos, they will have some...

Dear Customer No. 5

Dear Customer,

Thank you for leaving me a pint glass, half full of piss, on the shop shuttering key box every morning this week...

Time Space Continuum

Customer: Do you sell garden sheds?
Me: No, Sir, I'm really sorry we don't...
Customer: Why on eath not?
Me: Because this is only a small village shop and we don't have room to stock garden sheds...
Customer: What type of gardening shop does'nt stock garden sheds????
Me: One thats not built like the feckin Tardis Sir....!!!!

Far and Wide

Dear Customer...

Everytime you come into my shop to buy dishcloths to send to your daughter in New Zealand.... I wonder if you realise that she actually moved to a country with a modern society...with running water, electrickery and dishcloths....

I know that any location further away that Redcar is hard for you to comprehend, but give her credit, thats why she probably moved there in the first place...

Weeding Whinger

Love working Saturdays... A woman has just bought some weedkiller to use on her neighbours garden to 'teach him a lesson'... She told me..."YOU people have no respect for your houses or gardens!".

When I pointed out to her that I dont actually live nextdoor to her, she told me that I look THE TYPE who had a messy garden and neighbours who complain about it?!?*....

I told her that at times, its hard to maintain our 1.5 acres..but our gardening company does a great job....

Dear Wilko Customer

Dear Customer...

Please refrain from telling small, independant shopkeepers that you can buy their products cheaper at Wilkos and Poundland. Every small shopkeeper is well aware of the price difference - we may buy in ten of each product weekly, large multimillion pound stores buy 10 thousand, hence why they get it cheaper.

You are not educating the small shopkeeper with your comments!

If we could afford that amount of stock and had the space for it, we would be cheaper too. Telling a shop keeper you are going to buy it elsewhere, shows you do not wish to support small shops - so please don't moan in a few years when all that is left on the uk high streets are poundshops and Wilkos! :)

Boxing Clever

Dear Customer...

The box on the floor next to me which I am unpacking, is new stock to price up and go on the shelves.

You raking through it and asking if its reduced, bargins or out of date stock, then moaning cos there are no prices on any of the items - IS ANNOYING AS SHIT!

Please return to our store in ten mins, when I will have finished putting the prices on and put it out on display.

You will, no doubt take one look, ask for a colour other than the 58 colours we currently stock, feck off and buy it from Wilkos instead!

Lemmings

Lemming syndrome - anyone who dresses a shop/bar/office window, will note that,  the moment you go in the window area to change the display or dress the window.  A crowd of Lemmings stop in their tracks to watch what you are doing.

Quite surreal, they stand, gobs open, watching your every move, like you are about to do something extraordinary. They stare intently, or tap on the window to make some witty remark.

Weirdly they almost expect you to provide some sort of entertainment for them, but they soon get bored when the best we can do is change the posters and hoover out the mortuary of dead flies.

Lemming syndrome a retail phenomenon...lol :)

Rainy Day Rants

Dear customer - We know the weather is terrible/raining/snowing/windy... We have travelled to work in it!
Other BIG clues include:

The fact that the weather is howling against the shop windows, the fact that everyone looks a tad windswept and your pet lip indicator say 'rainy'...

Additionally, the fact that the 47 other miserable twats that have been in before you also posess the ability to point out the feckin obvious!

Gregs Pasties

Dear Customer: I have just spent the last 20 mins sweeping and mopping the shop floor - the scowl on my face indicates that.  So, despite the large notice on the door which clearly states - No Food, you still insist on bringing your 3 precious darlings in to my shop, scoffing Gregs pasties. The trail of food left round the shop floor is quiet impressive. Arguing that your kids don't want to eat their pasties outside, just makes me want to wrap the mop round your head!

Its no food, get it?

Not only for the cleanliness of the shop, but for the sanity of the staff!

VAT Schmat...

Customer: Its 4p dearer than the last time I bought it???.
Me: Yes Madam, thats because the VAT has gone up to 20 percent since last year.
Customer: What? I want it at the old price, cos I'm not VAT registered.
Me: ?????? ... I don't think you can opt out of paying VAT to the UK Government Madam?
Customer: Well I don't pay VAT in any other shop. Its outrageous!
Me: We are a VAT registered business and paint is a VATTABLE product.
Customer: I told you - I'm not registered, wheres the Manager?  You're making up this shite, I'm never shopping here again, I'll ring the papers...trying to charge people VAT - you are a robber! - She storms out the shop...

Driving me potty...

Customer brings in a plant pot to the shop and waves it infront of me. ''Do you have a plant pot like this?,'' I go to the plant pot dept, 2ft away from where she is standing, because she cant be arsed to look for herself and present her with an identical plant pot, identical, as in brand, size, shape and colour.

 

First thing customer says ''Oh no, thats not the same, is it?  Its different!'' - I give my best smile and try NOT to say - do you think I don't possess the skills to match one item to another and just fancied 10 mins of weary show and tell,  presenting you with various pots that don't look remotely like the one you have in your hand?.

 

I flash another (isnt it my break yet?) smile and despite her insistance that its not the same, I reassure her that its identical...

 

 She cockily says ''I don't think so,  but I suppose it will have to do...''

Honeymoon Honey...

My first day back behind the shop counter after my honeymoon... I will never forget my very first customer:

Me: Good morning!
Customer: Is that a spray tan you've got?
Me: No, actually, I just got back from my honeymoon.
Customer: (sneering) Well young lady, you better get your feet back on the ground now and serve me, I'm your priority now and I want garden canes!

Dear Customer No.6

What?  Its too hot for you outside?  Its raining?  Its freezing?  Its bitterly cold/swealteringly humid? 

 

We really don't care to have to listen to your gripes about the British weather. Us poor shop workers have been standing behind a till all day and havent seen a peak of daylight for hours.

 

Moaning to staff who have been under flourescent shop lighting all day is futile. We have no idea whats going on outside and you are more than likely the tenth person in the last 20 mins to tell us your weather whinges.

 

Saying 'what have YOU done to the weather?' is neither funny, nor clever. It doesnt provoke a witty response from shop staff, it just makes us want to bash you over the head with the brolly you are pointing at us.

 

Give us a break - if you dont like the weather, feckin stay at home!

Dear Customer No.5 - Dawn Diva

Following me from my car to the shopas I arrive at work on a morning, huffing and stropping impatiently does NOT make me open the shop shuttering any faster and trust me - however life and death it is that I serve you with a bag of birdseed...you will have to wait till the shop opens in 40 mins like everyone else...thats why it says 9am on the door.

Screaming and banging on door after I have gone inside the shop ...to turn off the shop's alarms and put the lights on, does not encourage me to let you in any sooner.

Shouting through the door that you will have me sacked...is laughable, as its my shop and I make the rules, including what time we open...

This will be the third time this week I have endured your temper and hissy fits... Its not difficult, just come to the shop when its open and we will be happy to serve you....

Feck off to Wilkos then...

Customer: I want sodium chlorate for my weeds...
Me: I'm sorry Sir we no longer stock it, its been taken off the market as its harmful to the environment.
Customer: Well, where will I get it from?
Me: Erm...nowhere Sir, its illegal to sell it in the UK...
Customer: Since when?????
Me: Since two years ago... I have plenty of good alternative weed killers...
Customer: (getting narked)...dont you keep any out the back for your good customers.
Me: I'm afraid not... and I could'nt sell it to you...its against the law...
Customer: This is fecking stupid...I'll go to Wilkinsons, they will have some...

Soapy Sulkers

Customer: Do you sell soap?
Me: No, I'm sorry Madam,  just gardening products.... You may want to try Boots The Chemist over the road...
Customer: (outraged) I'm not buying it from there, have you seen how much it costs?  They don't even stock the one I like, their camomile is horrible and does nothing for my skin, its drying and smells funny. I'm not paying their prices, their soap doesnt last two minutes and leaves a mark on the sink...its horrid...horrid.. And I'm not going all the way over there for that....
Me: Erm???????????...............

Dear Customer No. 4

Dear Customer... Please do not use the service in my shop to justify to the traffic warden why you parked for ten minutes on the double yellow lines. My staff are bright, hardworking, intelligent people who will endeavour to serve you almost immediately on coming to the counter... If you choose to break the law and park illegally, standing outside the shop screaming at the warden and blaming the shop staff is a little unfair and makes you look a twat!

 

Waving the parking ticket infront of the shop staff and demanding we compensate you, also makes you look a twat...and no...there is no sign saying not to park on the double yellows...lol...but there is a ickle fing called the highway code....

 

I dont doubt that...as you screamed at the staff...it 'WILL be the last time you shop here' and probably the last time you think that you have double yellow immunity too.

The Key to good service

Customer:  I forgot what I have come in for...

Me: *Smiles politely at the customer...Customer: Yes, there is definately something I have come in for...what am I like?
Me: *Continues to smile and notices queue behind customer...
Customer: Yes, it was definately plants or gaffa tape... Eeee what I am like?
Me: *Face aching now with false smile, I give a sympathetic nod... "Why dont I give you a moment and serve these customers while you have a think?"
Customer: No!!!  I'm first in the queue....
Me: *Can see the customers behind starting to froth at the mouth...
Customer: Ahhh....I remember now... I want a key cutting....
Me: I'm sorry, this is a gardening shop - the key cutting shop is next door....

She then proceeds to empty her handbag on the counter and spends the next ten mins raking thru it...I continue to serve the customers behind her, who pass their items over her shoulder... Eventually she declares....
Customer: Ahhhh..shite, I have forgotten to bring the key, I'll pop home and be back in a bit...

Jolly Hols

For the twelve customers who have stormed through our shop door demanding to know why a shop three doors away is not open this morning....

We neither know...nor give a shite.... The owner has clearly gone on his holidays and no, hasnt put a sign up advertising the fact, cos he doesnt want his shop burgled by your kids while he is away...

Opening Times

Dear Customer...if you had to limbo under the shutter, climb over three bags of compost, set the alarm off and found the shop in darkness with no sign of any staff.

There is a really good chance we are not open yet...

Bastard...

For the chavvy twat who has vomited over my shop shuttering for the second time this month...I hope the Gov stop your Slobseekers allowance...

Not a fencepaint clue....

Customer: I want some fence paint...
Me: Certainly Madam, what colour?
Customer: I dont know...
Me: Well...what colour is it at the moment?
Customer: I dont know...I cant remember...
Me: Erm..what colour would you like it to be (gets the colour chart out)
Customer: Oh, I dont want to change the colour...
Me: Erm...okay.... erm...but you are not sure what colour it is to start with?
Customer: (irate) Well..dont you know what colour it is?  You drive past my house on your way home!

Dear Customer No.3

Putting your hazard warning lights on when you park on the double yellows outside my shop does NOT make you any of the following:

A. Invisible to the traffic warden
B. Immune to the UK driving laws
C. Able to park there for over 40 mins while blocking the street access for other vehicles inc Fire Engines and Ambulances.

It does however make you a twat and I'm glad you got nicked...

Say my name...

I hate that you have been a garden shop customer here for six years and are soooo self absorbed that you insist on telling me your every last doctors app, medication, bowel movement and argument you have had with your neighbours/family/friends etc...

You think I hang on your every word and am rivited by your exciting life. In your self indulgence, it hasnt occurred to you that the only reason I have to listen to your daily life stories, is that its
my job to be behind this counter and I cannot just walk away...though believe me, I'd like to...

Sad that in the last six years of tales of your fabulous chavvy life... Not only havent you come up for air -

You havent even bothered to find out my name...

Helicopter Man

Customer: "Do you sell Pledge?"

Me: "No, sorry Sir, just gardening items".

Customer: "Right, youre a woman, you will know about cleaning products. If I spray it on the rotar blades of my helicopter, what will be the reduction in drag factor?"

Me: "Im sorry I have no idea..."

Customer: "Ball park figure...."

Me: "I dont know, Im sorry..."

Customer: " Let me be clear...I'm not wasting my money if its more than 10% reducion...."

Me: "Let me be clear....we don't sell it!   Save your breath mate, you will need it to blow up your girldfriend later...."

 

 

The following day...

 

Customer:  "I was in yesterday about my helicopter... I read on the internet that silicone based furniture polish only reduces drag capacity by 9.6% if it contains benzyl salicylate. I know you don't know anything about it....So I want your manager to check the ingredients for me."

Me: "Sir..I AM the manager and am telling you we don't sell it...this is a gardening shop...please stop wasting my time".

Customer: "But you must have some in the shop somewhere, what do you clean the counter with?"

Me: "Customer's heads...now feck off... "

Funeral Fury

I was at a friends funeral on Friday, when someone from a few rows behind me, passed me a £5 during the final hymn. I assumed it was to go into the collection plate and so thats where I put it when it came round.

As we followed the coffin out of the church, a woman whispered to me..."you can deliver it later today"....I had no idea what she was talking about.

This morning, She has been in the shop to complain that she didnt get her bag of compost on Friday and bitched that it was inconvenient that we were closed for the funeral... Ya cant win...

Tweety Twat...

We play ambient birdsong in the shop...we sell lots of birdseed...

Customer: Whats that bird singing...have you gorra bird in ere?
Me: No madam, its a CD..
Customer: Eh?
Me: Its not real, its a CD...
Customer: Wot kind of bird is that???    I can't see it...is it in the roof?
Me: No...its NOT real...its a CD recording.
Customer: Av you gorra bird...where is it?

*I walk away...sure of the fact that I was pretty clear...

Mealy mouthed...

Think the weather is bringing out the idiots today....

Customer: " Dont you sell live mealy worms?"
Me:  "No, I'm sorry, we only have the dried ones..."
Customer:  "Why not...the robin in my garden prefers live ones...?"
Me:  "We have no facilities to store or maintain live mealy worms, I'm sorry. They just come in a    fresh sealed packed for hygiene reasons".
Customer: "Well, my Robin doesnt like packet food...he makes that very clear to me... and I don't want a full packet, he just wants three or four worms, I dont know why you dont sell them loose... He is going to be VERY disappointed...as I am"

I just smiled...but was thinking - feck off back to the mothership with ya!!!

Out of the mouths of babes...

Who says the school hols are not entertaining?

Just had a woman in with a little girl about 8yrs old...

Me: Good Morning....
Customer ignores me and after rummaging in her handbag infront of me, pulls out a screw and throws it on the counter saying " I want a nut to fit that"...

I pick up the screw and go onto the shop floor to look for one...the stroppy woman and child follow me... The woman, with her face like a bulldog says nothing...but the little girl clear as a bell announces to the shop... "Grandma...you are supposed to say PLEASE!"....

Priceless...

Dear Customer No.3

You piss me off when I ring all the goods through the till that you have just bought and instead of getting your money out...you lean on my counter to finish rubbing off the panels on the scratchcard you just bought from the newsagent next door.

I may be smiling and waiting patiently for you to spend your Giro...but the queue of people behind you want to beat your head in.....

Have you got????

Sooooo..... tis Monday morning...

Customers are politely requested to refrain from their idiotic, bullshite questions like - Do you stock a replacement valve for a garden tap which was made in 1902 or Have you any Medieval ducking stools in stock?????

Massive point of sale states - 'Compost £3' - Customers still ask how much is the compost????

When ya point to the POS and say £3...they always say some lame shite like... Oh I didnt see that or I havent got my glasses on.... (Nah....actually its cos you are such a lazy twat,  you cant even be arsed to look at the prices, next you will want me to carry it to the till for you!).

Oh....you do????.... You lazy twat)!

Tight as a duck's ass

Can you believe I get customers who cant even be arsed to get the money out of their own purses...they just hold their purses open and say..."take £1.29p out of there for me...."

Boo Radley...

Madam....While I may serve you today, I am not your servant. So your arsey attitude and patronising way you keep calling me 'Poppet', just makes me want to bang your head on the counter. I realise that this action would not be in the best interest of customer relations... So while you were on your little power trip, complaining about the prices, telling me I should do a gardening course and bitching about
my staff - I have, inadvertantly stuck chewing gum to your Radley handbag...

Is it raining???

We are well aware that its raining, we all came to work in it this morning. So coming through the shop doorway bitchin' and announcing to the counter staff that its raining, does not make you the bearer of new news, nor will it provoke the wide eyed, open mouthed reaction of suprise that you are obviously expecting.... The 30 other customers who have announced the same thing to us, ...have bored us of the weather topic and we really don't care, as long as it stops by the time we go home.

You may think you are The Fountain of all Knowledge this morning, but to the shop staff, you are just another twat with an umbrella, whinging that you came out in the rain and got....erm......wet!!?!?!!?""!!?

Yellow Pages

No Sir...Our shop does not supply a copy of the yellow pages or change for you to use the public phone box on the pavement outside. Please don't spit out your dummy and tell me I should get one to give better customer service, you don't shop here....and anyway... I seriously doubt that your drug dealer is listed....

Dear Customer

When you choose not to support small independant shops in the village... You lose the right to piss and moan about them going bust and standing empty throughout the rest of the recession or being turned into another bloody charity shop....