Outside my shop today, while their kids were smearing Greg's pasty fingerprints all over the shop windows...The Chavvy parents were standing infront of my beautiful, handmade, exquisite Christmas Wreaths for sale and were...bitchin...
She (wearing pjama bottoms, with a track suit top), said: "Orrr, these are gorgeous, lookerem, thems gorge...How much are they?"
He: "Fooking Hell, they are £7.99 each!!!!
I'm not paying that, what a rip off!!!!....
I'll get em from the Town, they are only two for twenty quid there!"
Monday 19 December 2011
Sunday 27 November 2011
Monday 21 November 2011
Window licking good...
So this Monday morning, the dress code for the Village appears to be, slippers, pjama bottoms, football shirts, orange tan and an entire collection of Elizabeth Duke jewellery...
It must be finally getting colder, as today, there were no mid riffs showing and the peasants were cramming themselves into the phonebox to scratch off their instant win cards and wait for the local drug dealer. They did, of course, leave their screaming kids outside strapped to various pushchairs in the biting wind, while they filled the phonebox with the smell of Benny Hedgehogs, chip fat and wet dog...
Latinus Twatius - was in a hurry today, so he just stood in the doorway and waved his bits of paper, shouting "PERAMBULATORY!" at me...then telling me that the clue was in the Daily Mail crossword...When I pointed out that I was too busy to read the bloody paper, he just shrugged and left the slips of paper on the counter, with a threat to come back the next day and test me.
This morning, Magic Padlock Man, is actually wearing a tea cosy on his head, on top of the grubby hat he normally wears!. Looks like there is a possibility it could be one he has stolen from the charity shop next door. A charming little number with little flowers and huge amount mangey unwashed curls of hair sticking out of the hole at the back. He looks quite fetching and has only been in three times so far, twice to bring me a handful of rolled up fags and to ask if he can have the pound back that he donated to the Butterwick box last Friday.
It must be finally getting colder, as today, there were no mid riffs showing and the peasants were cramming themselves into the phonebox to scratch off their instant win cards and wait for the local drug dealer. They did, of course, leave their screaming kids outside strapped to various pushchairs in the biting wind, while they filled the phonebox with the smell of Benny Hedgehogs, chip fat and wet dog...
Latinus Twatius - was in a hurry today, so he just stood in the doorway and waved his bits of paper, shouting "PERAMBULATORY!" at me...then telling me that the clue was in the Daily Mail crossword...When I pointed out that I was too busy to read the bloody paper, he just shrugged and left the slips of paper on the counter, with a threat to come back the next day and test me.
This morning, Magic Padlock Man, is actually wearing a tea cosy on his head, on top of the grubby hat he normally wears!. Looks like there is a possibility it could be one he has stolen from the charity shop next door. A charming little number with little flowers and huge amount mangey unwashed curls of hair sticking out of the hole at the back. He looks quite fetching and has only been in three times so far, twice to bring me a handful of rolled up fags and to ask if he can have the pound back that he donated to the Butterwick box last Friday.
Tuesday 8 November 2011
The Great Escape...
So, I've been back from my jollies for a couple of weeks now and in the last few days, I have detected an unusual odour coming from a cardboard box behind the counter.
Today, I finally grabbed a moment to open the box for further investigation...
It seems that while I was away, it was business as usual with the Melange of Nut Jobs bringing in love tokens, latin classes and batteries.
The smell, turned out to be one of Magic Padlock man's famous cloths, in which he had lovingly wrapped half an old necklace, some loose tobacco, a half eaten pasty and then possibly dipped it rancid milk, before putting it in a carrier bag and bringing it the shop for me. Scared to open it, the staff put it in the box and closed the lid.
- Latinus Twatius, was deeply troubled that I had fled the country and initially said that he would delay my Latin instruction till I got back. However, in a twitchy 'Cat on the Hot Tin Roof' - obsessive kind of way, he couldnt stay away from the shop and insisted on testing all the shop staff on their verbs, while I was gone.
He left reams and reams of paper with carefully written latin on, and the translations on the back. The staff were instructed to tell me that I was to study them and he would test me, the week I got back - Oh Feckin Joy!!!!
- In the bottom of the box, Batteries Woman had left 11 brand new batteries, which, as usual, she had stuck a label on, which stated the date she bought them and the hair colour of the person who sold them to her...
She had written 7/10/11 - Bald
Dad must have been working that day!
There was also a stray bag of Wild Bird Sunflower Hearts, which Snotty Pram Woman, had brought back for a refund. She complained that they tasted differently to the ones she bought the week before. The staff had pointed out that they are not for human consumption, thats why they are clearly labelled as such...she still wanted a refund...
Magic Padlock Man had obviously been robbing from the Methodist church down the road again, as there were three hymn books, an empty plastic cup and bits of broken ginger snap biscuits...Must have been a great coffee morning.
A note from the staff was stuck to the top of the box, stating that Helicopter Man wished to see me about fitting a communications mast near the tower at the local airport. Pretty interesting, considering we are a gardening shop!!!! No doubt, I'll hear all about that when Captain Cock comes through the door later this week.
The only thing right at the bottom, was a piece of paper, with my dads hand writingon it. Apparently he has been accused of lying to a customer, who didnt believe him, when he told him that the hoover bags for his hoover were not longer available. The customer had continued to argue for 20 mins after my dad had told him that that hoover model was made obselete in 1982.
My dad had written the manufacturers number on the piece of paper and obviously called them for the customer to confirm that it was true. They had confirmed that and the customer had continued to rant...
...under the telephone number, my dad has written OBSELETE 1982
at the bottom of the page he wrote - PRAT!
Today, I finally grabbed a moment to open the box for further investigation...
It seems that while I was away, it was business as usual with the Melange of Nut Jobs bringing in love tokens, latin classes and batteries.
The smell, turned out to be one of Magic Padlock man's famous cloths, in which he had lovingly wrapped half an old necklace, some loose tobacco, a half eaten pasty and then possibly dipped it rancid milk, before putting it in a carrier bag and bringing it the shop for me. Scared to open it, the staff put it in the box and closed the lid.
- Latinus Twatius, was deeply troubled that I had fled the country and initially said that he would delay my Latin instruction till I got back. However, in a twitchy 'Cat on the Hot Tin Roof' - obsessive kind of way, he couldnt stay away from the shop and insisted on testing all the shop staff on their verbs, while I was gone.
He left reams and reams of paper with carefully written latin on, and the translations on the back. The staff were instructed to tell me that I was to study them and he would test me, the week I got back - Oh Feckin Joy!!!!
- In the bottom of the box, Batteries Woman had left 11 brand new batteries, which, as usual, she had stuck a label on, which stated the date she bought them and the hair colour of the person who sold them to her...
She had written 7/10/11 - Bald
Dad must have been working that day!
There was also a stray bag of Wild Bird Sunflower Hearts, which Snotty Pram Woman, had brought back for a refund. She complained that they tasted differently to the ones she bought the week before. The staff had pointed out that they are not for human consumption, thats why they are clearly labelled as such...she still wanted a refund...
Magic Padlock Man had obviously been robbing from the Methodist church down the road again, as there were three hymn books, an empty plastic cup and bits of broken ginger snap biscuits...Must have been a great coffee morning.
A note from the staff was stuck to the top of the box, stating that Helicopter Man wished to see me about fitting a communications mast near the tower at the local airport. Pretty interesting, considering we are a gardening shop!!!! No doubt, I'll hear all about that when Captain Cock comes through the door later this week.
The only thing right at the bottom, was a piece of paper, with my dads hand writingon it. Apparently he has been accused of lying to a customer, who didnt believe him, when he told him that the hoover bags for his hoover were not longer available. The customer had continued to argue for 20 mins after my dad had told him that that hoover model was made obselete in 1982. My dad had written the manufacturers number on the piece of paper and obviously called them for the customer to confirm that it was true. They had confirmed that and the customer had continued to rant...
...under the telephone number, my dad has written OBSELETE 1982
at the bottom of the page he wrote - PRAT!
Got the Blues
Customer: Have you got any indigo coloured candles?
Me: No, I'm sorry Madam, the only ones we stock are pale blue in colour.
Customer: Can you show me?
Me: Of course, come this way...
We walk over to the candles area and I show the customer pale blue candles...
Customer: These are NOT indigo!
Me: Yes, I know, I'm afraid we don't have indigo coloured candles, just pale blue...
Customer: These are NOT indigo, did you think these were indigo?
Me: Not, at all, we only stock these pale blue ones.
*Customer screws up her face and with a long dramatic sigh says...
Are you colour blind???? - These are clearly NOT indigo!
Me: (wanting to slap her), Thats right, they are not.
Customer: You said they were indigo...
Me: I think I said they were pale blue...
....tumbleweed moment....
Me: I'm sorry, they are the ONLY candles that we stock in a blue colour.
Customer: Well, these should have a note on them saying - 'light blue NOT indigo'....
**** Yup Madam and YOU should have a note attached to you which says -
"Danger - I'm Fecking Hard Work"
Me: No, I'm sorry Madam, the only ones we stock are pale blue in colour.
Customer: Can you show me?
Me: Of course, come this way...
We walk over to the candles area and I show the customer pale blue candles...
Customer: These are NOT indigo!
Me: Yes, I know, I'm afraid we don't have indigo coloured candles, just pale blue...
Customer: These are NOT indigo, did you think these were indigo?
Me: Not, at all, we only stock these pale blue ones.
*Customer screws up her face and with a long dramatic sigh says...
Are you colour blind???? - These are clearly NOT indigo!
Me: (wanting to slap her), Thats right, they are not.
Customer: You said they were indigo...
Me: I think I said they were pale blue...
....tumbleweed moment....
Me: I'm sorry, they are the ONLY candles that we stock in a blue colour.Customer: Well, these should have a note on them saying - 'light blue NOT indigo'....
**** Yup Madam and YOU should have a note attached to you which says -
"Danger - I'm Fecking Hard Work"
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